


Jouissance

by MermaidsandMermen (SophiaSoames)



Category: SKAM (TV) RPF
Genre: Angst, Confusion, Fantasy, Fluff, Henjei-Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Misunderstandings and Promises, Not real, Unresolved Emotional Tension, all made up, explicit content, loose hints at Pansexuality, total fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-01
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-09 18:09:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,485
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11674374
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SophiaSoames/pseuds/MermaidsandMermen
Summary: Jouissance, a French word, meaning physical or intellectual pleasure, delight, or ecstasy.A huge thank you to those of you who beta read this and showered me with support, love and advice. I am incredibly grateful. You know who you all are.People, this is a HENJEI story, and as such I am fully aware that some of you may find this story disrespectful and repulsive.This is the time when you choose not to read it, and scroll on to anther story, please don't read this if it causes you upset.If it offends you then I am truly sorry. But please do realize that this is a piece of total fiction, a story that I have made up, with characters that I have named Henrik and Tarjei. This is not in any way real life or an attempt at real life. I do not know anything about the real Henrik or Tarjei, and I do not claim to. Again this is pure fiction. A make believe. A play on thoughts. So please take it for what it is and don't hurl abuse at me for writing a story and posting it on a fan-fiction site, which is exactly where this story belongs.I have locked this story, but if you haven't got an account, then I am happy to forward the story to you. You know where to find me.All the love, Always. x





	1. Chapter 1

**_Henrik_.**

I’m bloody fuming. I know I shouldn’t be. It’s probably my fault anyway.

You see I do things like this a lot, open my big mouth and cast throwaway comments which make people pissed off with me. Then I have to turn all that famous Holm charm on to get back in people’s good books and make them love me again. It’s just the way I am. I am just pissed off that I can’t get back under Tarjei’s skin.

I must have said something really crap, something that really hurt him. I just wish what I knew what so I can apologise and be done with it. Scoop him up and hug him and tickle him until he is squealing and jerking around with laughter in my arms and then I would make him stay over and sleep next to me in my bed. I love when he does that. Well he used to. I haven’t seen the dickhead for weeks, and I am so bloody pissed off.

I have texted. Called. Called again. Texted his brother like some creep. Messaged him on Face book. He hasn’t even read the messages.

I tried being funny. Blasé. Deep and meaningful. I even cried. Well I was really drunk and called him at 3 in the morning and left some ugly-crying rant about having lost my best friend and I think I begged him. I think. No wonder he won’t get back to me.

I have made a list of his friends, people I barely know but that I know Tarjei would listen too if he only let me explain. Well I have fuck all to explain because I haven’t got a clue what I have done. All I know is that I hugged him goodbye a few weeks back and went home. And that was that. This bloke that I would fucking die for just blocked me out of his life.

Well I know our contract was up. We had the good-bye party. Did the press thing, where Tarjei just refused to play ball. I mean something was up with him there already. I just didn’t think it was me. I hugged him. Snuggled. Touched him and danced with him. Twirled around with him on the balcony before our photo call, as he laughed that throaty laugh only Tarjei can pull off. He hugged me. I hugged him back. His hand never left my back until he walked away. Until he left me all broken and confused and fucking ripped to shreads on the inside. 

I have good friends, so it’s not like I am lonely. It’s not. I just never had a friend like Tarjei before. Someone who just blatantly fell in love with me like I fell in love with him. Because that is what this was, wasn’t it? Epic love at first sight. Well not ‘’love’’ love. Not even bromance-showmance love. Just plain love. We adored each other. Easily and happily and shamelessly.

I can’t even remember the first time he stayed over at my flat, when we fell asleep and I woke up with him tangled up in my legs. Arms slung casually all over the bed. His hand on my bare chest. And there was nothing weird about it. Nothing. Just yawns and smiles and I ruffled his hair and brought him breakfast in bed. Like he would do to me when I stayed over at his parents. Falling asleep with my breath against his neck and my hands around his waist. Just for comfort. To know he was there. That I was not alone.

Because I never was. From the moment we met we texted 24/7. Nothing of any meaning, just catching up. Getting to know each other. Laughing. There was so much laughter. I told him I loved him a few weeks later. He said it back without hesitation. Just stroked my cheek and said, ‘’Henke of course I love you. How could I not? Look at you man. You are you. And you are bloody adorable.’’ He had laughed in my face. Let me kiss him. Right there on the lips in the street. Not for show. Not for work or laughs or dares. Just because I wanted to kiss him, and he wanted to kiss me back.

It had become the norm after that. Kissing him when I felt like it. And he kissed me back. Sometimes with a smile and a giggle, but more often when his eyes would turn dark and his smile would fade and his lips would find mine with a whimper and he would just devour me. Press his body against mine whilst his tongue licked against my own and I swear he would pant under his breath.

I think it made him hard. I know it made me hard. I mean not rock hard, but a definite twitch in my crotch kind of hard. I used to think it was weird, that I wanted that. That I let him do it. That I never stopped him or laughed in his face. Instead I kissed him back. Jerked and rutted against him until my face was flushed and my breath hitched. I think I might have messed up, and gone too far when he was just needing to let off some steam. Maybe he thought that I needed more, and being who he is he would have tried to give it to me, not because he wanted to but because he thought that is what I wanted. It sounds really fucked up in my head when I think about it, but then that is what I would have done. What I did. I kissed him harder because I thought that is what he wanted. I thought that is what he needed. He is always whinging about being single. Being tired of playing games. Being horny and alone. We used to laugh about it all the time. I’m not laughing now. We had something good, and it was fucking amazing.

Instead I am kicking gravel from the pavement walking home late at night. I even miss that place I used to work. I mean I had to stop. Had to quit. It was getting ridiculous and the panic attacks where just embarrassing. When I would hide with Azzad in the back next to the dishwasher, biting all my nails until they bled whilst Mum would get rid of the fans. Telling people that I had left when in reality I was a mess in the back, leaning against the dishwasher with my eyes closed, letting the hum of the machine soothe my beating heart. My heart that was beating far too fast.

I used to ring Tarjei sitting there, letting his voice of reason calm me down. He would just talk to me. Sing to me. Rap out juvenile lyrics he would just make up in his head there and then until I was laughing softly into the phone and wiping my tears on the sleeve of my shirt. I just hated being so damn weak.

I get the fans. I do. I do understand. It’s just hard being me. The young girls who turn up with their messed-up ideas that I somehow changed their lives. The ones with all that entitlement, like I somehow belong to them. That I owe them shit. I don’t even know who they are and they think I should just randomly turn up and meet with them because they got all their mates to message me on my public Insta? Like I would, like I would just turn up like some idiot in a horror movie, with a stranger waiting to chop me up into mince. Have they got no sense of keeping themselves safe?

Then there’s the guys who come in and just stare at me. The older women who could all be my mum, who giggle like schoolgirls and ask for selfies. Well not all of them. Some just treat me like their child. Some just smile. I can see it in their eyes though. They all have expectations of how I am supposed to be. How they see me in their head. The real me. When in reality I am no one. I am just a confused kid who hasn’t got a clue what I am doing most of the time.

I run up the stairs to the flat, hoping that Sondre is out. I love sharing the flat with him, but we both like it when the other one is out, just so we can breathe. Have some space to chill. No such luck today though as his dark hair is sticking up over the back of the sofa.

‘’Dude’’ I say. As we always do.

‘’Bro’’ he yells back.

‘’All cool? ‘’ I throw my bag on the floor and kick off my trainers.

‘’Yup. He’s asleep in your bed.’’

‘’Who?’’ It’s a stupid question. I mean normally I would have known straight away. But I don’t dare to hope.

‘’I thought you knew he was here? He came by earlier. Looked like shit and said he was crashing in your bed for a while. I think he might have the flu or something. ‘’

‘’Ok. ‘’

I mean what am I supposed to say? Start interrogating Sondre like some lunatic? What did he say? Did he ask about me? Why the fuck is he here? Why now? Is he pissed off? Will he punch me in the face if I go in and wake him up?

Instead I am silent, grabbing two glasses of water from the kitchen and muttering a cheerful ‘’night night’’ to Sondre as I leave the room.

I kick the door open, just softly. The bedside light is on and he has his back against the door. He is wearing that midnight blue hoodie that I like, with the hood over his head and his arms hugging his body. Knees bent. Duvet kicked to the floor.

He is not asleep. I know what his breath sounds like when he sleeps. Hard and nasal. No, he is awake. Definitely awake.

I take a deep breath. This will never end well.


	2. Chapter 2

_**Tarjei** _

 

My body is stiff like a board. At the same time, I am so fucking cold that my teeth are clattering when I try to use my mouth.

I know he is back. I know he is behind me, moving around slowly. I can hear the glass of water he has put on the bedside table. He always does, like some strange habitual evening ritual. It is always there, still full in the morning.

There is the clatter of the coins from his pocket. The mobile phone vibrating as he puts it on charge. The thud of his wallet hitting the floor. Then the rip of cardboard, and the flick of the lighter as he opens the window to have that last cigarette before bedtime.

‘’Cold’’ I grit out, when the gust of air hits. Because I am. The fever is back even though I downed two paracetamols before I curled up in his bed, relaxing into the familiar scent of his shampoo, aftershave and that constant undertone of nicotine that follows Henrik around. It’s always there and whilst it should be a repellent, a disgusting habit, it is so uniquely him and somehow, it’s another of those little things I have grown to find comfort in.

He doesn’t reply, just shuts the window, and walks over and his hand grazes my forehead. A steady touch of his palm to my skin.

‘’You are burning up, have you taken any meds?’’ He sounds genuinely concerned and I just wrap my arms around myself tighter.

‘’A few hours ago. There are two more in the pack on the floor. I feel like shit.’’

My voice isn’t quite steady, and I can’t bear to turn around and face him. I just can’t.

‘’How long has this been going on? This fever?’’ There is the sound of the blisters of the paracetamol popping, and his hand tugging at my neck, urging me to sit up. I do. I gingerly raise myself up, grabbing his other arm for support. My whole body is screaming with the effort, and all I can think of is sleep. Warmth. Not being alone.

‘’Came on this afternoon, I couldn’t face the bus home. I was just around the corner so I came here.’’ I want to continue, and tell him that there is nowhere else I would have gone. That all I could think of was coming here.

‘’Here’’ He says, his voice soft and comforting, and if I didn’t know any better I would have burst into tears. I somehow can’t bear that he is so nice to me when I have treated him so badly over the last couple of weeks. I take the tablets from his outstretched hand and pop them in my mouth. Gratefully accept the glass of water he hands me. Down it in one. Letting my head lean back so the hood on my head slips back.

I can hear his breath hitch. Yes. I know.

‘’I know.’’ I grit out. Eyes down. Desperately tugging at the duvet at the bottom of the bed. Letting my socked feet slip under the covers. I am still fully clothed.

‘’What have you done to your hair?’’ He whines like I knew he would. He loves my hair. Well loved. It’s gone. Poof. Chopped it all off. Just like that.

‘’Thought it would be a good change, cool for the summer and all that. Didn’t realize it would make me look like some crack-dealer fresh out of prison.’’

I can almost hear him smile, and his fingers are on my head. Stroking what’s left of my mop of curls.

‘’It’ll grow back’’ He says a-matter-of-factly. Trailing his finger down my chin. ‘’I’ll get used to it. My own personal crack-dealer, head of the notorious Korsvoll Killaz gang.’’

That’s him. Always making a joke about everything. ‘’Except I wouldn’t know where to buy crack if my life depended on it and the Korsvoll Killaz are probably a bunch of right tossers.’’ I dead pan back, making him chuckle softly.

‘’Budge over, so I can get in.’’

I budge. Of course, I do. Moving across to the side of the bed by the window. My skin hurts with every move, like my clothes are made of razor blades, making me curl back up into a ball and pull my hood back up over my head. He has the duvet, shaking it out over our bodies and tucking the edges in around my neck. Patting my shoulder. I should have laid down the other way with my back to him. Now I am stuck facing him

‘’Do you need anything else? I can make you some tea?’’

I love that he offers, that he cares enough to ask, but I just shake my head inside my hood and close my eyes. My arms back tight around my body trying to get some heat back. I am just so cold. He lies down next to me, fidgeting around as he does trying to get his legs just right and his arms folded underneath him. I pretend I am not watching him, but I am. Just peeking from under my eyelids, watching the duvet move around him as he settles, then off he goes again, kicking his legs and shifting his hips around. And there they go. His joggers fly out from under the duvet.

‘’I can’t sleep with all these clothes on. Sorry. ‘’

I know, I want to say. I know he sleeps naked. I know he always wears something with when I am here, and how it annoys the hell out of him. I know how hot he gets. I know him so fucking well.

‘’Get them off then, I don’t care. ‘’ I grit out thought my clenched teeth. A bit harsh maybe. I soften my voice as much as I can. ‘’You hate sleeping in your clothes. And then you fidget around all night huffing and puffing. It’s just me. Get comfortable.’’

‘’Yeah, it’s just you. The guy I haven’t seen in weeks who completely hates me for some reason I don’t understand and then you just turn up here like some ghost from the past, so forgive me Tarjei if I am a little bit freaked out right now.’’

Wow. That was intense. Good delivery. Fuck. The acting nerd in me is in full swing and my face is red. Red hot shame. I’m a dick. As usual.

‘’I’m sorry’’ I blurt out. My delivery sucks. The tone of voice not even half what I would call ‘’apologetic’’. Pent up anger steaming from my ears.

‘’But you’re freaked out? How do you think I felt? You fucking promised me H. We promised each other.’’

Fuck. Here we go. Think before you speak Tarjei. Think before you open that big fucking mouth of yours. I never learn. Not with Henrik. He has always had that effect on me, that’s just the way he is. He just makes me spill the truth, just like that. Like he looks at me and I can tell he knows all my secrets anyway so what’s the point of lying. I know he knows. He’s not oblivious to all this. He can’t be.

‘’You have completely lost me now Tarjei.’’

He is wriggling about in the sheets again, moving down the bed so he is in my face. I can smell his breath on my skin and it makes me a little bit light headed in my fevered haze. I don’t reply.

‘’You need to speak to me. Tell me what I have done, please, because to be honest I haven’t got a clue what I did wrong. You just walked out of my life, and these last weeks have been hell, trying to figure out what went down. Why you would hate me so much that you would just fuck off from my life like this. You even un friended me on Facebook. I mean, dude, how old are we? 16?’’

I tug the duvet over my head. I am just so ashamed. Well ashamed is the wrong word. I am confused. Well not really. I know why. I know exactly what he did. I’m just not sure I can tell him without putting the final stab of death into our friendship. Friendship. Yeah right, I kind of half chuckle under the duvet. Some friendship it turned out to be. He rips the duvet from over my head. Half leaning over my body with his hair sticking up and his eyes are seriously frightening. Now I have done it. Now he is mad at me.

‘’Don’t lie here and laugh at me. You are fucking important to me, you are my best friend, my closest friend, the dude I love and trust with my life, and you are fucking laughing at me when I tell you that I have barely survived the last couple of weeks because you left. You fucking left me, with no explanation at all. Do you realize what a fucking shit thing that is to do to someone? Someone who loves you? ‘’

He is ace-ing this. Whatever he thinks he is doing it is working. I feel like a complete idiot. I know I am in the wrong and that I should never have done what I did.

‘’Communication Tarjei. The base of any well-functioning relationship. Fucking. Talk. To. Me. Before I completely lose my shit.’’

He is gorgeous when he is angry. I am kind of sad that he never got to do ‘’Angry Even’’ on screen, because he would have blown everyone away. He is just stunning, with those eyes, the way his bottom lip is quivering. The way his eyelids are twitching. Not with laughter, but I’m pretty sure there are tears brewing in amongst the blush that is all over his cheeks.

‘’I got on the tram to go home this afternoon, and I was feeling like shit. Really tired and weary and a little dizzy and then the fever hit, and I just couldn’t get warm. I couldn’t face the bus home. I just couldn’t. All I could think of was you. How if I could just get to you, you would wrap me up in a hug and make me relax and I would feel better. I wouldn’t have to worry about anything because you would look after me and make everything right again.’’

I am talking a load of shit, well not really, but it’s all spilling out in a jumbled mess and what I really want to say is just not coming out right. At least he is lying back down, letting his hand reach out and cover my cheek. Moving back so he is grasping my neck under the hoodie. Exposing my shit haircut. Just holding my skin in his hand.

‘’You know I would do all of that in a heartbeat. I would never not have. ‘’

His voice is soft again. Kind. And there are tears birthing in my eyes now which I try to blink away. I am not going to lie here and cry. I’m not.

‘’I just walked here on automatic. I didn’t even think. Luckily Sondre was in and let me in.’’

‘’You have a key Tarjei!’’

‘’I might have been an arse and chucked it in Akerselva. I was having a really bad day.’’

He laughs. He chuckles and moves closer, and my body just reacts, like it knows it’s place. Because I curl up around him and raise my head just enough that he can slip his arm under my neck and pull me in. I am back with my head on his chest, his hand on my head stroking my hair. My arm curled around his neck. I want to tangle my legs in his too, just for warmth. And for that feeling of being his, being completely tangled up in him. Because I am anyway. He is tangled into so many parts of my body that I couldn’t get rid of him if I tried. Trust me. I tried. I tried to rip every piece of him out of my heart. Look where that got me. Right back here where I apparently belong. Because I relax into him as his lips kiss the top of my head.

‘’I really hate your hair’’ He chuckles. And I splutter with laughter. My emotions are all over the place. I thought I was about to cry and now I am laughing into his chest. I kind of hate that he is still wearing a top. I kind of would have appreciated some warm skin against my face. Some body heat to soothe this fever.

‘’Don’t worry, I hate it too.’’ We both laugh and he squeezes his arms tighter around my body. Mindlessly soothes my back with random strokes. Places another kiss on the top of my head.

‘’Sleep baby. Let’s talk tomorrow. OK?’’

I’m already fuzzy with sleep, leaning into his embrace and sinking into the comfort of having him here with me. Of being back in this bed. With him. Just us. I have fantasized about this moment for weeks. What would happen I tried. If I came back. My fantasies are fucked up though.

‘’I love you’’ I murmur.

‘’I love you too.’’ He didn’t even hesitate before saying it.


	3. Chapter 3

_**Henrik** _

I have done it again. Stripped all my clothes off in my sleep. Which makes me giggle as I roll over in bed, still slow and stiff and trying to avoid the sunlight streaming through the blinds. Interior design should really be my thing, but somehow, I just haven’t gotten around to getting proper curtains up, or changing the old-fashioned metal blinds that cover my bedroom window. At least I have put some art on the walls and my bedding is clean. Ish. I am not that good at laundry either. Turns out I am not very good at living on my own after all. But I am happy. Doesn’t that count for something?

I’m too hot under the duvet so I kick what’s left of it down the bed and roll over the other way, letting my arms flop in front of me as I bury my face in the pillow.

I squint. Just with one eye to check if he is awake yet.

‘’I’m awake’’

Oh. Ok. I close my eyes again and let myself breathe, waiting for the familiar strokes of my hair and maybe he will tap his finger on my nose as he used to. Ask for coffee and moan that he is starving.

He doesn’t though, just lies there and watches me come around. Slowly letting my eyes adjust to the light, and his face that is much closer to mine than I thought it would be. He is right next to me.

‘’How are you feeling?’’ He looks beautiful in the morning light, all soft and his lips are relaxed into his face. He still won’t look me in the eye, and that pisses me off.

‘’Too hot now.’’ He replies and shifts under the sheets. Sits up with a jerk and pulls his hoodie over his head, throwing it down on the floor before laying back down and pulling the sheet back over his chest.

‘’Body aches, but at least the fever has shifted’’

He yawns. Snuggles his head with that god damn awful haircut back into the pillow. I reach out and stroke it again. Fucking hell Tarjei.

‘’Do you want to talk about it?’’ I don’t really. Not when he is back here where I want him. All to myself. Just him and I like we used to be. I could quite happily agree to never mention the past weeks again if he just promises never to shut me out like that again. Ever.

‘’Not really’’ He buries his face further into the pillow.

‘’Just tell me what I did. So, I can apologize.’’ My thumb is stroking his hand. Fingers gently on his. I would take anything he decides to throw at me. And I would apologize for it. I just want things back like they used to be. I want him to look at me like I am his world, like he is mine, and have that easy friendship back. Where we would just be. Him and I.

‘’We promised each other…’’ He starts and rubs his nose with the back of his hand.

‘’We promised each other a lot of things Tarjei. Which one did I fuck up?’’ I’m sure I have broken a few of our promises, but it was over a year ago we started messing around with all those words. And we blurred the lines pretty quickly if my memory serves me right.

‘’We said there would be nothing between us. That there was no…’’ He swallows and gestures between us. ‘’No homosexuality involved. We are both straight. We made a deal.’’

‘’That was years ago, when we first met. I think we kind of broke that rule pretty quickly.’’

‘’I didn’t. I took this seriously. I took our friendship seriously.’’

‘’So did I! Come on. Have I never not taken our friendship seriously? I have done nothing but love you and adore you and I tell you all the time how fucking important you are to me. ‘’

He looks uncomfortable now. Embarrassed. Still looking into the sheets rather than facing me.

‘’Look at me. Please.’’ He does. Finally. And his eyes are full of hurt.

‘’What did I do?’’ I whisper.

‘’You made me fall in love with you. And my whole life went to shit.’’

 

_**Tarjei** _

 

I bury my face back in the pillow. I know I had to tell him, but now I don’t know what to do with myself. I should probably just get up and leave and let things run their course.

I know our friendship was strong but I am not sure that it can survive the blow of one straight dude telling the other that he might not be quite as straight as he made himself out to be. And that the maybe-not-so-straight dude totally blames the straight dude for making him fall in love with him when he should have been out shagging girls left right and centre and not spending hours hiding in his room pining for the straight bloke.

I didn’t mean to say all that out loud but apparently, I did and now Henrik is laughing at me. Chuckling with his eyes on mine and his smile popping all those dimples in his cheeks and his hair bouncing with the movements of his chest.

‘’Oh, Tarjei you are such an idiot. I assume I am the Straight bloke?’’

‘’Yup.’’ I don’t know why I am smiling but he is making me. Idiot.

‘’So, I am the straight bloke. Who can’t be that straight really, not when he quite openly likes to kiss this certain boy and is only ever happy when this particular boy is sleeping in his bed.’’ He is cocking his eyebrow at me. Waiting for me to answer.

‘’It’s not like we have sex and are boyfriends Henke. ‘’

‘’Is that you want? A proper relationship?’’

I nod. Then I shake my head and then I pull the duvet over my head. The fuck do I know. I don’t know what I want. He pulls the duvet back down and tugs at me until he has got me back against his chest in my usual spot. Chest against chest. Skin on skin. My nose picking up all the scents that I have started to crave. How his skin smells like caramel. That his hair is wet behind his ears when he wakes up. That he is always warm. That he sweats like crazy if he is covered with the duvet, yet I can spend hours lying on his chest and he just holds me tighter.

I sigh into his skin. He strokes my hair. What’s left of it.

‘’You are amazing. Gorgeous. The funniest craziest person I know. And you are never shy around me. So why couldn’t you just have told me?’’

‘’I thought I could get over you, that if I could just stay away from you for a while I would realize that it was just fucked up and I would forget about all these feelings and just get on with my life. Get a nice girlfriend and get laid and everything would just be fine. It was a fucked-up thing to do to you and I am sorry.’’

I think I sound like I mean it this time. I hope he understands why I did it, however shit it was.

‘’So, you blocked me, unfriended me on Facebook and chucked my spare key in the river. Good plan Tarjei. Good plan.’’

‘’Yeah, then I avoided half of Oslo so I wouldn’t run into you, and had all our friends tell me that I was being the jerk of the century, and then, listen to this, I had to go see your Mum to pick up a load of stuff and even your Mum was giving me grief. I don’t know what you told her but she told me I was family and not to fuck it up.’’

‘’That’s my mum. She did say she had seen you. I was so bloody jealous. Of my Mum. You went to see Mum and couldn’t even send me a text to tell me to fuck off.’’

I kiss his chest. It’s just a small apology. A need in that moment.

If this had been a few weeks back I would have kissed him. Thrown myself at his lips and we would have made out for a while. Kissed and stroked and rutted against each other. And it would have been just that. Fine.

But now we have crossed the line and nothing is fine anymore. We have kind of acknowledged the elephant in the room, but not even started to properly talk about it. Which we should. I look up at his face. Tracing his profile with my eyes, the shape of his lips. His hair that is messily falling back against the pillows. My arm is slung around his neck but I don’t dare to move. I just want to touch his face. Stroke his skin. Instead I just lie here.

‘’What are you thinking?’’ I just say it out loud. To no one in particular.

He turns his gaze on me.

‘’How lucky I am that it’s you.’’

I smile. I can’t help myself. He just does that to me. Says one word and my insides turn to mush.

‘’What do you mean?’’

‘’I don’t know how to describe it, but I always thought that when I would fall in love it I would know it. That it would hit me like a sledgehammer in the chest. Not like the people I have been with, because whilst I did love them and it was all good, I always felt it was temporary, that one day I would find this great love and BAM, I would just know. You see what I mean?’’

I nod. I know all about the BAM. The night I spent sobbing in rage into my pillow when I realized that my heart had totally betrayed me. That there was a reason none of the girls who were throwing themselves at me, made me feel anything but pity and irritation. That however hard I tried, I couldn’t take my heart back, because I had willingly given it away and, yes. Thrown away the key and all that shit.

Oops. I said that bit out loud too. Henrik is laughing and kissing the top of my head. His hands around my face, looking at me full of kindness and awe.

‘’We never stood a chance, did we. You were it for me from the start. I just didn’t realize for a while. Not until you left me and I thought you would never come back to me.’’

He is not smiling anymore. Just watching me. Fingers stroking my skin, making me shiver slightly under his touch. He just does things to me. He always has.

‘’So, are we doing this then?’’ He asks. His face so sincere that I just want to cry. Sob into his chest until the broken mess that is me has kind of fused back together again.

‘’I want to try.’’ I say. ‘’We need to try to see if this would work, I can’t see how we could do this any other way without us both losing our shit.’’

 

I have rehearsed this moment in my head a million times, but somehow it never played out like this in my over scripted fantasies.

In my head, I am composed and sincere and saying all the right things. In my head Henrik is a puddle of goo in my arms declaring his undying love for me.

In reality, I am behaving like a total nerd spilling juvenile shit out of my mouth and Henrik is laughing into my hair calling me an arsehole.

‘’I want to be with you.’’ I am leaning on his chest looking into his eyes. Pinning him down with my body. ‘’I love you and I want to be with you. I don’t know shit about how this will work or about sex or anything, but I just know that I need to be with you. ‘’

‘’I’m going to have to get you another key then?’’ That’s him. Always turning a serious moment into a laugh.

I just smack my palm on his chest. Shake my head and laugh into his skin.

‘’I’m going to kiss you now.’’ I say. Because I want to. His eyes are already closed, waiting for me to lean in. Pouting for me to kiss that smile off his face.

‘’You’re mine’’ I whisper into his mouth.

‘’I always have been’’ He whispers back.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A massive thank you to EVAK4EVER, my amazing stottekontakt and beta-reader for sorting out the absolute mess that Chapter 4 was this morning. I couldn't have done it with out you. xxxxx

  _ **Henrik**_.

 

His mouth is addictive. Well that’s nothing new, there is a reason that I can’t stop kissing those perfect lips. How he makes little noises when my tongue flicks against his. When I suck his top lip into my mouth, and hold it just a second longer than necessary, just so I can make him lean up that extra millimetre to capture my mouth back against his. I love teasing him. I love tasting him. I fucking love him. I know that. And strangely that is making my body tingle with happiness and anticipation and love and fucking feelings that I can’t quite find words to describe.

I am in love with a boy. I am wholly and fully infatuated with the idea of being with him. Well, it’s not like I have a choice anymore, he is in my blood. In my heart. In every molecule in my body. I love him. It’s just that simple.

He is still lying on top of me, his bare chest against mine. His legs twisted up between my feet, with his gorgeous arse under my hand.

I cup it. Stroke it. Let my fingers slide under the elastic of his briefs. Flick the stretchy cotton against his skin.

He makes me smile. His mind is amazing, flickering between subjects and ideas and grand theatrical gestures that end up with him rolling around on the grass giggling like a child. He is playful and happy. Sensitive and sweet. Brilliant and smart. He is the kindest person I know, yet he holds the power to crush me in an instant. He turned his back on me and I fell apart. It's a frightening reality yet a comforting truth. A spectacular irresistible charm that drew me in like a magnet.

There is nothing unspectacular about Tarjei. From the look in his eyes when he looks at me. The way his lips curve and pop all his dimples into the most brilliant smile. The veins on his neck when he looks up at the sky. His shoulders and collarbones. The curves of his hips. The lines on his stomach and the blonde fuzz of course hair that escapes the top of his briefs. His bum is firm and round and fits in my hand. His nipples that perk up when I sweep past them. I want to suck them into my mouth. Bite down on the hard nubs. There is just not one single part of his body I don’t want to put my mouth on. As long as he is here with me. As long as he allows me to love him.

I want to do things to him. I want to rip these ridiculous briefs off his back and suck him and lick him and taste him until he is a blabbering mess. I just want to make him fall apart. Pick off all these defences and insecurities and worries that cloud his thoughts until he just let’s go and screams my name.

The sheer thought of it is making me leak. Fluid dripping down my shaft. I can feel it pooling on the sheet beneath us.

 

I am moving against him, rutting in tiny movements, hoping that he will get the hint. Take some initiative, because his hand is nowhere near where I would like it to be, and his groin is right between my legs but still not giving me what I crave. Instead he just teases with his kisses and his fingers pulling at my hair which is driving me crazy as I can feel his fucking cock tapping against the inside of my leg.

Whatever doubts he might have about having sex with me, well I have zero doubts about having sex with him. All he needs to do is wrap his fingers around my cock and give me a few tugs and I would melt into his touch, rut against him in ecstasy with no shame at all then ejaculate all over him shouting and moaning in perfect bliss.

It would be bloody hot, but I kind of want more. I want this to be good, to be perfect. I want to wipe any thoughts of doubt from his brain, so all he can think of is how good we could be. How good this _will_ be. How it doesn’t fucking matter what body parts you have as long as you love each other and the attraction is there. Because the attraction is off the charts as far as I am concerned.

‘’Baby?’’ I ask, with my mouth against his neck.

There’s no name more fitting for him when he is like this. Soft and relaxed and curled into my arms like a child seeking comfort. And there is no place I would rather be than here in his arms, where his hands are roaming my back and his mouth is kissing my eyelids. Soft like butterfly wings against my skin.

‘’What?’’ His voice is barely there, and his lips are resting against my cheek. His nose nuzzling into me.

‘’Would you take a shower with me? We both stink, and, well, I kind of want to. ‘’

He leans up on his elbow and looks down at me, his face full of emotions and wonder.

‘’Sorry, I know. I smell really bad. A shower is probably a good idea.’’

‘’You dirty, dirty boy’’ I deadpan, trying hard to keep my face stern in a frown. He just laughs in my face and places another dirty kiss on my lips.

‘’You are the dirty one. Get up. Get in that shower.’’

He slaps his palm against my bare arse as I roll over and throw my legs over the side of the bed. I stay sitting there for a while just looking into his eyes. He is leaning over towards me, just looking at me. Taking me in. A little smile forming on his face.

 

‘’You’re hard’’ He whispers and nods down to my crotch.

 

I am. I’m naked. I have nothing to hide. Nothing I ever want to hide from him. I shrug my shoulders. Nonchalantly but I mean every word I say.

 

‘’I want you. It’s as simple as that.’’

 

 _ **Tarjei**_.

 

He drags me off the bed, both my hands in his. Pulls me towards him so our chests bounce when his lips capture mine. I can’t get enough of kissing him now. It was never like this before, when our kisses were our own secret, something a little naughty and taboo. A shameful little habit we got ourselves into. Now the plaster has been ripped off I can’t stop kissing him, knowing that he wants this as much as I do. That he wants me, like I want him and that this is real. Something I can touch and feel and take home with me when he is no longer in my arms.

Because he will be back again, I don’t have to worry if this is it. If this is the last time he will kiss me. If this is the last time I will get to kiss him back.

I push him towards the door and he drags me out in the hallway, tugging at my briefs and holding me up when I trip over my feet trying to step out of them. We tumble into the dark of the bathroom, arms and legs and mouths. Sloppy kisses and pent up laughter as he struggles to find the light switch and slaps his hand against the wall, over and over until we are both blinking into the sharp light from the fluorescent strip in the ceiling.

‘’I want to make you come’’ I pant into his shoulder.

Kissing down his collarbone. Tracing the muscle under his skin with my finger, following the soft curve of his chest. My thumb rubbing messy circles around his nipple.

‘’You will make me come if you keep doing that’’ He whispers. ‘’My nipples are really sensitive.’’

I smile and lick a soft trail over his chest. Flicking gently over the dark skin which makes him shudder. Sucking the little bud into my mouth, nipping at it with my teeth, feeling it harden under my tongue. Then I abandon it as he sighs, and smile as he moans when I attack the other side of his chest. I am not careful. I am not gentle as I devour him. I am probably leaving marks all over his chest, small purple bruises that I will admire with pride tomorrow, knowing that I did that. That I am the one who owns his skin.

The water is running in the shower and he pulls me back up and nudges me inside the cubicle. Then he steps out and just stands there, watching.

‘’What?’’ I laugh. Leaning back against the tiles. Arms crossed over my chest. I am aware my cock is standing up as well. I am probably blushing under his serious gaze.

‘’I just want to admire you. I can’t believe you’re here. That I have you back.’’ He looks so serious, that there is almost a flicker of sadness in his eyes.

‘’I was never gone, really.’’ I smile back. ‘’I was just being an arsehole trying to get my head on straight. I would always have come back. Kicking and screaming one way or the other, I would have always found my way back to you.’’

He slowly moves his body up to mine, and closes the shower door behind him. Strokes my hair and face with his fingers. His nose against mine. Lips against lips. His gaze on mine as my hands grab his hips. Holding him steady and tight. I turn us around so I can get my head under the stream of water and his hands find shampoo, lathering my head with generous lashings of foam that runs into my eyes and makes me squeal.

‘’Don’t be a baby’’ he chuckles and I shake my head under the water to rinse it off. Rub my eyes and open them to find him smiling with his hands shampooing his own locks.

‘’Let me’’ I say, and tangle my fingers in his hair. Rubbing gently and massaging the suds down over his neck. Behind his ears. Painting his neck. Stroking down his shoulders. He raises his arms and I lather his armpits. Kiss his chest as my hands roam his sides, cupping his hipbones and caressing his stomach.

His mouth is on my neck, making some marks of his own. I can feel his cock rubbing against me. My own straining as I rut against his groin, chasing the delicious drag of skin. The heat of him against me. Soft and hard at the same time.

I don’t know what I was expecting, but it sure wasn’t this. The anticipation is making my head feel dizzy with confusion. I don’t know what to do first. Where to touch. Where to put my mouth. I want to lick down his stomach. Fit the fat head of his cock against my tongue. Nuzzle my face into the course hair that surrounds his balls. I want to taste. Prod. Caress and discover. But most of all I want to learn what makes him tick. The words that make him whinge with need. What makes him horny. How to make him moan and lose his mind. I want to see his face when he comes from what I do to him. That is what is making me harder than I think I have ever been. The thought of him panting my name as his orgasm claims him, like I let his name tumble over my lips when my hand takes me there in the darkness of my room at night.

He turns us around again so he can rinse his hair. My hands firmly stroking his skin as the water sloshes over our bodies. If this was a movie I would have sunk to my knees in the roomy shower cubicle and taken his cock in my mouth. Sucked him dry like a pro. But this is a creaky old shower for one, and just not fit for the kind of sexcapades my mind is thinking up.

I think he is on the same page as his cheeks are flushed and he turns off the water behind us and pushes me out through the flimsy door.

‘’Need you on that bed now’’ He pants into my hair as he folds a towel around the two of us.

‘’Want to suck you off’’ I pant into his mouth.

‘’Need you. Put your hands on me.’’ I can’t quite make out what he says because my tongue is down his throat again as we drunkenly fumble our way back into the bedroom.

My leg is climbing his hip as we tumble back down on the bed. His hands are on my arse. Jerking his cock against mine which makes me feel like I am flying. Steady friction at last. Skin on skin. His hand enfolding my dick and moving which apparently makes me moan like a kitten in heat. Embarrassing squeaky yelps as my body tenses and that familiar feeling starts to build.

Not that I think Henrik cares. His eyes are closed and his mouth is half open against mine, his breath hitched and his cock rubbing up against me as I reach out and fold my fingers around him. Stroke gently as I line us up. I know what I want us to do now.

I shift my hips. Tangle my fingers in his and move us so our cocks are lined up side by side. His head against mine. Our fingers laced around the two of us. My lips back on his.

‘’Come with me’’ I whisper as I slowly start to move our hands.

Then I can’t speak. It’s just too much. The sounds he makes, the heady moans that come out of his mouth and my body just doesn’t know how to hold back. My hand is jerking and tugging irrationally, his hand twisting along tangled in mine. My head jerks back and his forehead presses against my throat as he breathes my name. Over and over. “Tarjei... Tarjei. Tarjei!”

My orgasm hits me like a wave. Rolling in from the tip of my toes. Shivering along my legs up past my knees, as my legs twitch and my voice builds. The heat from my groin making my chest burn. My cheeks heat up as his body freezes against mine. Our movements stop and I scream. I just can’t stop. I roar. Shout as my seed coats our hands. Mixes with his as he spurts another load over our fingers.

 

We lie there in silence afterwards, as the liquid melts into our skin and his mouth is wet against my neck. He is still breathing far too fast. And my lungs are still pumping as I start to smile. Bubbles rising in my veins as my chest starts to jump with the giggles that I can’t stop from escaping. I tug at him so he is in my arms. Tight against my chest, with my mouth smiling into his hair.

‘’Fucking hell Henke’’ I laugh out loud.

‘’I know baby’’ He is still not quite himself, struggling to come back up from the haze of coming.

‘’I didn’t know, I mean, I can’t believe I worried that this wouldn’t be good. ‘’ I can’t stop laughing.

‘’Ridiculous boy’’ He smiles, leaning back in my embrace so he can look at me. We don’t need to speak. There are no more words to be said. I know he knows. He knows I know. It’s all good. We are both right where we need to be.

I roll onto my back and pull him with me so his head is on my chest. He curls into me with a contented grunt, his arm around my neck and his breath soft and steady.

I have always seen Henrik as strong and grown up, despite the demons he fights when his confidence falters. Yet he looks childlike, almost fragile in this morning light, his freckles dark against his pale skin. My fingers tangle into his hair, damp strands and curls, and my mouth presses a kiss into his head. His leg falls over my thigh and his groin leans into my hip, as his body rustles around before finding a comfortable position to rest. My hand strokes his back. Soft steady lines over his bare back until his weight relaxes against me. Until he settles and stops fidgeting around.

I close my eyes. There is nothing else for us to do today. Nothing but lie here and feel.

I thought I knew him so well, that there was not much about him that I didn’t know. I was wrong. Because just like me, he keeps little secrets that I have yet to discover. Traits of his body and tricks of his mind. He will always be a little mystery for me to solve. A puzzle that I will spend the rest of my life figuring out. He snorts quietly. Nuzzles his nose against my chest, as his body drifts off.

The morning sun is casting shadows through the blinds, rustling softly in the draft from the window. Stripes of light dancing across our bodies as I pull the duvet up around us and let the warmth pull me under.

For the first time in weeks I am at peace, without the anxiety and worry of thoughts. This man in my arms, this funny hilarious boy, that so smiles so easily and is so carelessly loved by everyone he meets, is mine, and I know, and I tuck him tighter into my embrace to empathize this to myself, that it’s a definitive fact, that despite the hundreds of friends that claim to love him, the fans that worship the ground he walks on, the people who tell him they love him every day, and his family that hold him in their hearts.

However much he is loved. However many people claim his affections.

 

I am the one who loves him the most.

 

 _ **Henrik**_.

He leaves in the early afternoon with my keys in his pocket, leaving his kisses on my skin and a stupid un-wipeable smile on my face.

His scent follows me around like a friend and I can’t seem to settle without him near me.

I try to eat but nothing tastes like it should.

I hoover aimlessly around the living room, completely missing the obvious crumbs right in front of me.

I strip the bed and load it in the washing machine, only to instantly regret that I won’t be able to smell him on my pillow tonight.

I am a pathetic lovesick excuse for a human being. And I love it. It’s the best fucking feeling in the world.

I text him, like a stalker. Tell him repeatedly that he is mine.

He laughs in my face, well virtually. I can almost hear him chuckle as the emoji’s he replies with appear on my screen.

He is busy. He has things to do. So do I but I can’t make myself do anything of any use. Instead I smoke far too many cigarettes before bedtime and wrap myself up in the duvet high on nicotine and emotions. Toss and turn. Smile into my hands replaying this morning’s shenanigans in my head.

He texted me to say good night over an hour ago and I am still lying here. Waiting. Impatiently.

Chuckling out loud with relief when I hear the key unlock the front door. The thuds of shoes hitting the floor. The steady footfall and the soft creak of my bedroom door opening and closing behind him. His clothes fall to the floor one by one, to the soundtrack of little grunts and the rip of the zip in his jeans.

The unsteady thuds when he pulls his socks off his feet. I lift the edge of the duvet up so he can crawl into my arms, his naked body warm against my skin.

‘’What took you so long?’’ I laugh as I tangle my legs up in his. My foot stroking the outline off his calf before settling between his cold feet. His mouth finds mine and he kisses me like he never left. Claims my mouth and my heart and soul in one swift motion and a flick of his tongue against mine. Aligning my world back to how it now needs to be in a blink of an eye.

‘’I’m here now. That’s all that matters.’’

His sigh is full of contentment. Happiness. Joyful bliss. He is right, I think to myself as I fall into sleep.

Nothing else really matters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the love, kudos and comments.  
> There will probably be more little Henjei-inspired ramblings to come, I just need to find that right little prompt in my head. If you have one you would like me to consider give me a shout. xxxx


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